The convent certainly has seen its fair share of male callers the last few weeks. Two weeks ago I entertained the blonde ambition, who wouldn’t sleep with me but did tell me I had nice side boob. Now that is a once-in-a-lifetime compliment from a man, but judging from the fact that there have been no subsequent erotic encounters (or even phonecalls, GASP!), I’d say he’s on the express bus to gaytown. Because honestly, who isn’t into a naughty nun?
Next weekend. Raging masquerade party at the convent full of all sorts of randoms. Men, ladies in masks, drinking booze, popping pills, eating psychedelics. The blonde ambition had shown up to my soiree after being MIA for a few days, bringing me pink champagne. Well who knows what happened, because after that I was high as heaven, making out with various facial-haired men and telling them how badly I wanted to suck on their bottom lip. Even the gays. Naturally.
Once morning came (with the subsequent chemical come-down), I recalled the luscious lips of a certain French Prince of Montreal and texted him to come back from some chaste cuddles. Now normally I would just jump his bones but I was a bit too tired and unmanicured for a feat like that so I was a good girl and he promptly left in the morning. I had decided I was sending him mixed messages so I sent him a text: “You are a great kisser. Let’s get together this week”. Him: “Good idea. I’m busy with work (*barf*) but I’ll call you later 
“
Well it’s been 5 days and nadda. Do you think it was the habit that turned him off? Who knows?
Doesn’t really matter because lo and behold, Mother Superior drops me off a letter someone put in my mailbox (really I wanted something more substantial in my box but don’t we all?). The real estate guy, as Sr. Simple Sophisticate explained/reminded me about, was a man I fondled at my party in my drug-induced state. Cute, blue eyes, kind of tough-guy approach.
Hello Sr. Veronica,
I spoke to your at your party but did not get a chance to get your number…Here is mine…..PS Rule is Boy calls girl first so you may text me if you wish
Shocked, I consulted with the other Sisters and they informed me that he is a “rules” guy. So I phone him up and ask him out Friday evening after mass. My secret reason for doing so was that the Mathemagician was returning back to the country after traveling and having a party. The Mathemagician was last year’s love who I have been cloistered away from for quite some time, I could NOT NOT have a date while he was inviting the girls and boys from the convent and seminary to his place.
Wearing my sexiest denim jumper habit, I invited Sr. Audrey Hepburn over for some fizzy, vodka-filled drinks. Thank goodness I bought a 40 oz of Skyy vodka because we went hard like Hades before leaving the convent. After drunkenly stumbling through the Copacabana bar and meeting various friends of the Mathemagician, I decided it was time to head to a new bar with the Sr. and invite Mr. Real Estate out.
We met at Les Pas Sages (literal translation: The Naughty Ones) and basically it was lust at first site. After chatting with him on the phone, I got the impression that he was a really sweet man who is slightly older and looking for love. I had to set him straight that this sister is not looking to leave the convent anytime soon:
“I get the impression you are looking for a girlfriend. I just want to let you know I’m here for a good time, not a long time”
I think that was the moment he fell ass-backwards in love with me.
From then on it was lusty makeouts all over the bar, with Sr. Audrey Hepburn straddling me/biting my toes. She is a hottie-pattoti so I let her have her way with me. Naturally neither of us remember anything as we are raging party nuns.
Around 3, Real Estate comes back to the convent and I warn him that my quarters are ridiculously messy so he can’t complain. He doesn’t really as he strips down my playsuit and starts pulling my hair. Hot sex for a hot mess. Purrrrfect.
I start to realise I am no match for this man. He is far more skilled than I thought and seems quite into camping out between my legs. Holy Jesus Murphy was that a fast orgasm. We start fucking but it’s a bit too much and I am a bit too drunk so I pass out. He tries to wake me up but I’m not Lazarus so he’s in blue ball hell.
The next morning I wake up, eyeliner smeared all over the place, clothes everywhere, massive hangover. And he’s awake! Ugh men normally like to snooze snooze snooze and the only way to get them up is to start the rub and tug. Oh by the way. Real estate gave me the best massage ever last night. And the next morning.
So it’s raining on a Saturday and it’s just sexy sex all morning, Trojans and kleenex everywhere. He told me he’s a Scorpio. I get excited because I’m a Taurus and have always wanted to hook up with this sign.
From SexualAstrology.com:
“This combination is guaranteed to be a powerful and intense love match! The Taurus woman needs to be sexually gratified and with a Scorpio man she’ll not only enjoy sexual intensity but he’s likely to spiritually transform her through the bonds of their lovemaking”
Yes! Around 2 we finally decide to stop putting each other in our mouths and start eating some real food. I’m so hungover he has to help me out. I think he’s enchanted by the fact that I’m a bit of a wild young novice. He is a very good boy, which is quite a plus because I need the yin to my yang.
We eat breakfast, talk sexiness, talk friendship, talk whatever. Sometimes i can’t understand him because he’s a francofolie and his English makes him sound like he’s Brazilian or something. Who cares. He whispers really dirty things into my ear in public and tries to feel me up at every streetcorner as we walk.
We walk back to his car, where he totally opens and closes my door for me. I like this whole gentleman thing. All my life i have been looking for a hot man to put me in my place so maybe he can be Mr. Big Shot. He’s a bit shorter than me when I wear heels but he’s got the confidence to not even notice so that’s sexy.
He drops me off back at the convent and tries to come back for more. My vagina is sore and I really need to know more about him before we can really heat things up so I send him home. We have plans for Tuesday. Already he’s texted me telling me how happy he is that he dropped off that letter at my place. Wooo hoo!
Sr. Veronica Volputas
